Sunday, October 16, 2011

10 Things Hollywood Has Taught Me

Based only on movies produced by Hollywood, what have I learned about life? Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but I'm only speaking in general terms for fun.

1) Beautiful People Always Find Love.
--> From Jennifer Aniston to Angelina Jolie, all the beautiful people eventually find love. Usually through quirky or comedic circumstances, or through heartfelt emotional situations, or even high-tension, dangerous situations, the beautiful people prevail. They find love, and it's real, true love that will last an eternity. Or, at the very least, they're a really good lay.

2)The Less-Than Beautiful People Find Love. Probably.
---> You don't have to be beautiful to find love! You just may not have the quirky or romantic situations as some of the beautiful people. Sometimes you're a side character, introduced to The One by a major character. Sometimes you're rejected by the main girl and find love elsewhere. But that doesn't mean you won't find someone who's smokin'! Seth Rogen stole Katherine Hegal's heart in Knocked Up, after all. But even if it's a possibility, you also have a good chance of winding up alone.

3) Anything Is Possible.
---> From explosions to dramatic romantic displays, anything is possible in the world. The laws of physics bend to create the biggest explosions, and the most dramatic displays. And everyone knows the exact right thing to say at the right moment, in whatever way, to pull out the perfect response from you. Also, if shit goes down, you'll probably end up smack in the middle of it.

4) 99% Of The World Is White.
---> Everyone is white, and no one questions it! Even the black people are white! Even the Mexicans speak really good English! The best shit happens in America, too. If there are people from other countries/other nationalities/speak other languages, they tend to be side characters, people who are a part of our lives, like a friend or coworker. They tend to tag along with our plans, except for the odd time they stand up for themselves. At least, usually.

5) Everybody deals with crap.
---> It doesn't matter what nationality, what age, how much you make, whether you're beautiful, single, married, gay, we all have crap to deal with. We all have bad days. No one can escape the general shittiness of the world sometimes, even if sometimes we wonder if beautiful people EVER have issues EVER. But Hollywood has taught us they do. We all do. Except for maybe that blonde barista who keeps screwing up my orders. She seems too bloody perfect.

6) High school is segmented.
---> Popularity is important. The beautiful people are jocks and cheerleaders. Everyone loves them, and hates them. Nerds are bullied and mocked. Everyone has their place, bullying is usually rampant, and everyone knows each other in their grade. Any other high school is experience is just plain odd.

7) EVERYONE is NEATER than me.
---> EVERYONE is neater than me. Houses look quite comfortable. Furniture matches. It's always clean, and if not, someone's usually complaining about it or cleaning it. Most people keep their rooms, offices, and cars clean. If they don't, someone mentions it, or makes an effort to clean it up. There is quite frequently a transformation where the messy person learns to clean up their crap.

8) Everyone is straight.
---> The world is filled with straight people! If the beautiful girl spies a beautiful boy, there is an assumption of his sexuality as straight. It's called into question if he is not attracted to girls, is feminine or sensitive, or is too interested in his appearance. Gay people exist, but they are not usually seen and are separate from the straight world. Going into a gay bar or a gay-friendly section of town is foreign and uncomfortable.

9) You WILL triumph.
---> You are the hero of your own story, and the world CAN'T deny you. If you go for the girl, for the job, to save the world, you WILL WIN. Even if you face shit along the way, if you overcome it, you cannot possibly lose. How could you? Everyone gets a happy ending eventually.

10) If it's good, there will be sequels.
---> If anything is good in life, if anything is worth it to you, if it is so wonderful you never let it go, there will be ripoffs, sequels, and all around crappy people trying to make you feel bad. If you find success in this world, there will be those who try to drag you down to their level. The more success you find, the more sequels there will be, the more people will try and bring you down. But if it's really worth it, then we rise above the crappy sequels, and love the original film despite what anyone says.



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