Dear Teen Me

16-year-old Katie, and the certain someone at my side.

Dear Teen Me:

This is not the end.

Life does not end at 18. I wish I could convey to you how magical life has gotten in the years since high school, but I know you won’t believe me. You think you’re worth nothing, that you’re less than dirt, that soon you’ll be swept out with the rest of the garbage. You’ll try to kill yourself many times, and thank God each attempt will fail.

High school will be a nightmare for you. Every day in those halls only tightens the anxiety’s grip on you. By the time your senior year comes around, you’ll be a spiraling mess, but somehow you’ll hold it together. Because not only do you live to see graduation, but you’ll do it with honors, proving you are as smart as you hope you are. All your insecurities are products of your anxiety, which is not your fault. You’d find some way to blame yourself if the sun went out, and honey, it just ain’t worth it. Let go of the guilt and fear and uncertainty. No, it’s not as easy as it sounds. Yes, you can do it.

High school may seem like a new opportunity for you. After all, as you step into your new school, you’ve left behind your old enemies and the pain of your last suicide attempt. It’s a fresh start, and I wish I could tell you it’ll be that simple. But the fact is, the worst is just beginning.

You’ll learn that demons wear friendly faces, that abuse isn’t just fists and screaming. The boy you’re about to befriend will completely absorb your life. You won’t realize it at first. You’re lonely, you’re depressed, and you want to make a fresh start, but this boy will only drag you back into everything you want to escape. He will pull you back down into depression. He will undermine your confidence. He will convince you that you are worthless, that you need him, that the two of you are soul mates. You won’t realize what he’s done until it’s too late.

After the first few months, you will become his prisoner. You won’t realize it, of course—after all, if he keeps telling you how much he cares for you, it’s difficult to see the negative side of things. But he will eventually hit you. And strangle you until you black out. And leap across the room to attack you. He may not leave bruises, you may think you deserve it, but it’s still wrong.

 Don’t be fooled by his crocodile tears. He will say anything to convince you to forgive him. He will lie and cheat and steal from you. He will publicly humiliate you. He will turn your friends against you. Don’t ignore that anger you feel. It’s justified. Give into it, and start fighting back. It will be difficult, but slowly you will wedge a distance between you two. Don’t feel guilty for it; you’re doing what you need to for your emotional and mental well-being. Your other friends will understand, and they will support you, once they too realize what’s been happening.

When you finally free yourself from his control, it will be difficult to get back on your feet. You will try to hurt yourself in serious ways. You will face a crippling depression and anxiety. You may doubt your capability to do anything right. You will hit the lowest of lows, but you will climb back up afterwards.

I may only be a few years older than you, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s this: Nothing is forever. Not the good, and not the bad.

Someday, this pain will be useful to you. You’ll use it to help kids who are in similar situations. You’ll learn how to handle your worries and insecurities (Mostly.)  You’ll gain back confidence. You will be happy again.

But please, don’t give up hope. It does get better. Trust me.

Love,

Me.

20-year-old Katie.

Book Review: Anna Dressed In Blood

Book Review: Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake

Just your average boy-meets-girl, girl-kills-people story...

Cas Lowood has inherited an unusual vocation: He kills the dead.

So did his father before him, until his gruesome murder by a ghost he sought to kill. Now, armed with his father’s mysterious and deadly athame, Cas travels the country with his kitchen-witch mother and their spirit-sniffing cat. Together they follow legends and local lore, trying to keep up with the murderous dead—keeping pesky things like the future and friends at bay.

When they arrive in a new town in search of a ghost the locals call Anna Dressed in Blood, Cas doesn’t expect anything outside of the ordinary: move, hunt, kill. What he finds instead is a girl entangled in curses and rage, a ghost like he’s never faced before. She still wears the dress she wore on the day of her brutal murder in 1958: once white, but now stained red and dripping blood. Since her death, Anna has killed any and every person who has dared to step into the deserted Victorian she used to call home.

And she, for whatever reason, spares his life.

So when I sat down to read Anna Dressed in Blood, I was expecting an easy romance with some ghost killing on the side. What I got was an easy romance with some kick-ass ghosts on the side, some voodoo hoodoo, and secrets hidden under the surface of the plot, something I absolutely adore.

On the character side, Cas is an easy, likeable MC, with a decent voice. I was rooting for him from page one, because although he has the task of killing the dead, he does show some sympathy for these spirits (who were often wrongfully killed). What struck me about Cas was his growth over the course of the story-- how he went from certain in his convictions to questioning himself, his knife and his father. Along the same lines, Anna was a wonderfully constructed character. I adored that she could go from a gentle, sympathetic girl one moment to a raging monster the next.

Blake uses a very easy writing style, but as I mentioned, there's much more going on beneath the surface. Tying in the backstory with Cas's dad, the creature who killed him and the knife bound to their blood-tie, Blake brought everything together at the end, proving a great twist that made my stomach clench a few times. That's something to be said for Blake-- though nothing was too grotesquely described, there were still a couple of points where my heart did that little fearful flip-flop. (Especially for Tybalt. Oh, Tybalt!)

And it's set in Canada! Woot! *waves Canadian flag*

All in  all, the book was an easy read, with likeable characters and a very interesting backstory. She only gave the reader enough information to get them through the story, leaving many questions unanswered. I don't want to give too much away, because trust me, the second half of this book totally flips itself onto its head.

If you're a fan of Holly Black's BLACK CAT series, or enjoy watching shows such as Supernatural, or Secret Circle, then I highly suggest picking up ANNA. You won't be disappointed.

Overall rating: 4/5.

It's Not Rocket Science

So, I know I mostly blog about writing, but I have a lot of FEELS and they won't fit on twitter.

So, I've been at my job in social services for about 9 months now. It's been like coming home, and there's nothing I love more than going to work. Seeing the kids is the best part of my day, especially because a lot of them are only a few years younger than me.

It's been a great learning experience, and it's put a lot of things into perspective.

When I was 15, I met one of my best friends. She came from the North end of the city (The only people who get that reference will probably be my fellow Calgarians, sadly...) She was raised in an abusive home, with two younger half-siblings, her step-father and her mother. She suffered from numerous forms of abuse, including verbal, emotional, and physical. By the time I met her, she'd been through the child care system,  had been to foster care for periods of time, and her life was starting to settle back to normal. She had a bright future, excelled in school, spoke two languages-- and this girl could sing.

And now? Well, let's just say she still sings. Sometimes.

I love her to death, but over the years I've watched the toll the abuse has taken on her. Because that's just it-- when you abuse a child, it sets the tone for their life. Can they break out of it? Yes, but it is extremely difficult. These children only know violence, abuse, and neglect. That is their way of life. Does that make them bad people? No. But their decision making skills are sometimes questionable. For example, a wife continually returning to her abusive husband is sometimes known as Battered Wives Syndrome, and indeed, her decision making skills are impaired. The wife continues to place herself in a dangerous situation, despite so many opportunities to escape pain. This holds true with children who've grown up in an abusive home. When you've never been taught something, how can you know to do, or not to do it?

That's what gets me so angry about this whole situation. It's not fair. As a person, as a human being, what gives you the right to warp a child's life like that? What difference is this from brainwashing, really?

Maybe I'm too optimistic for this world. But if you as me, we live in a first world country. We're educated, have access to health care, and have the freedom to go to school, go to work, and believe whatever we want. So WHY is it so hard for people NOT TO BEAT THEIR KIDS. Honestly, people, this isn't rocket science.

Peace,

-Katie

The Nest

So recently I undertook PHASE TWO of my editing process. This is where I translate paper edits like "Rework this sentence" and "add more tension here" to actually inputting those changes. It is a LONG and TEDIOUS process, and so to make it a little easier on me (and lower my chances of procrastinating) I have constructed The Nest!

The Nest, day one.

Why does The Nest work? Why does this little setup of my hard drive on my coffee table, with the basket from a chair, work so well? Over the years, my muse and I have come to an understanding. She doesn't like me, I don't like her, but we need to work together. All's well during the first draft, but edits for me are a little different.

When I write, I can write anywhere, anytime, so long as I have a computer and can focus. But when I edit, I create things like The Nest to help boost my productivity. Because let's face it, edits suck, especially PHASE TWO edits. They make the book so much more awesome and I love them for that, but in the end it's a lot of trudging through badly constructed sentences.

The Nest, two chapters in.

The Nest works for me for some very simple reasons:

--> Right in front of the TV. I can switch channels, mute, put in DVDs-- whatever, and I don't have to crane my neck, like I do at my computer desk. (This is purposeful. TV = not helpful for writing.)

--> Sitting low to the floor is not only comfortable, but INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO GET OUT OF. Trust me, when my butt is in that chair, getting out is the last thing I want to do. This cuts down on my wandering.

--> Internet and music are within arm's reach, along with things like cell phone, which I ignore for the duration of my edits.

--> COKE! POSSIBLY THE MOST IMPORTANT INGREDIANT. I NEED MY CAFFIENE.

The Nest, ten chapters in.

Do I HAVE to construct my massive nest to do my edits? No, but it makes them a hell of a lot easier. I appease the procrastination demons in my head while still getting my work done, and this way is much more fun. Not only do I have fun constructing it, but I get a sense of accomplishment every time another piece of paper hits the floor. Is it a bitch to clean up? Oh yeah. But it's fun, and if I can't enjoy what I do, why the hell do I even bother doing it?

I think a certain someone likes having the couch all to herself.

So there you have it! A whole bunch of crazy! Do you guys have any editing/writing habits? Not that we need these things to get the job done, but they're fun habits (sometimes.) How do you guys like to get down to work? Do you have your own work space? Send me pics!

Peace,

-Katie

New Adult: A Call to Arms

Allright, blogsphere. I've got a problem. I don't normally rant, so you'll have to forgive me. And by forgive me, I mean sit your tushies down, because you're damn well going to listen to me. This post is for YA and MG writers, authors, agents, editors, and anyone interested in the new adult market.

Recently, I've seen a few agents on twitter commenting on the 'new adult  trend.' And though I agree somewhat-- writers, don't try to pitch new adult, as that's going to be a hard sell in the industry right now. However, the aforementioned agents had been remarking about how "new adult was never going to happen." And that, my dear friends, is where they're terribly, terribly wrong.

Before we start, I think you need a little background. I'm 20. I'm still living with my parents (In their basement, ha!) and I have a full time job. I graduated high school two years ago with honors. (To give you some perspective, I spent my three years in high school ruthlessly pursuing publication. Ask anyone in the English department.) I won my agent just before my 19th birthday. He was quite surprised to hear how young I was, as I didn't think to tell him until 2 months after we'd signed the contract.

 I went to university right after graduating, quickly learned that was the wrong place to be, and dropped out after my first semester. Afterwards, I spent a long time floundering, trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do with my life. Long story short, I ended up at a temp agency that placed me in a child and family services agency, where I'm very, very happy.

But it was a hard journey to go from a high school graduate to "Hey, I know what I want to do with the rest of my life." And in that time, and still, I'm encountering other kids who are, what I like to call "floundering." Right out of high school, I heard about those kids who immediately shot out of the nest to success, whether it be some school far away, or a round the world tour. Of course we heard about those kids. We never STOPPED hearing about those kids. And for those kids, like me, who ended up floundering, there was a lot of conflict, and a lot of drama, and a lot of questions. Suddenly, the pressures of high school are gone, and the pressures of life replaced them. It's very strange to adjust to, and I found I wasn't the only kid having trouble.

And yet, there are no books. Sure, if I search in the right places, I can find books that have similar "newly adult" issues. For example, DAUGHTER OF SMOKE AND BONE takes place in Prague, in university-esque arts school. Moreso, the MC is 19. I was able to relate on that when I was in university for that brief span of time. But I have to look hard for these books, and some of my friends, who are readers but not OMG I HAVE TO READ EVERYTHING readers, wont be able to find them.

There is rife conflict in these ages, and people who could benefit reading about some characters who are going through similar issues. I don't just mean contemporary fiction, either. Sometimes they want to read about fantasy through the eyes of someone 21 and who just moved into their new apartment. I would love to write something like that, but alas, the market is a difficult place. Is it YA? Is it Adult? Right now, the market reflects reality. There's no place for these new adults, and so often they're left floundering.

Let's take a look then to the market we want to model after. The YA market. We have a huge market, which has proven to eat up fiction at insatiable rates. Don't you think these kids would love to read about getting a new apartment, or going to university? Yes, yes, editors, agents, I can hear you now. "But they can't relate to those issues." In a lot of cases, no. But so many teens fantasize about moving out on their own, having serious relationships, though a lot of the time, they can't imagine what that's like. Why don't we show them? It's been proven that people read up, so isn't it safe to assume our 16/17/18 year old readers would love to read about 20/21/22 year olds? It's the next stage of their lives, of course they're thinking about it!

Alrighty. We've got a solid market. And let's look at this realistically. The kids my age now grew up with MG fiction, then YA fiction, of COURSE they want their own market. And why shouldn't they get it, if so many writers like myself, would love to write about it?

YA (the trend) blew up about, hmm, 15 years ago? 20? Before that, yes, there were people writing YA fiction, Ender's Game, to name one, and The Catcher in the Rye, to name another. But the trend blew up when we worked together to build a market for this. Once major publishing houses started publishing it, that led the way for editors to buy it, which means agents requested it, which means us writers could crack out some good YA fiction with the hope that one day it may be published. Even movie studios have recognized the market with films like Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, and the soon to be made Mortal Instruments movie (yay!) We've created something amazing, along with the writers and editors and agents of this business before us (some of which are still in the biz!) and we should be proud of that.

So let's seize the opportunity. Let's take advantage of this huge success. Let's open the doors for New Adult already. I don't expect agents and editors to turn around overnight and say "Give me New Adult!" (though that'd be nice.) What I'm asking for is just a little open-mindedness. There are those who still say "the YA trend will die out soon." Well, it's not. And it never will, because baby, we're timeless. Well, this new market won't die out either, because it's got the timeless appeal from all angles. It's an opportunity to grow, and everyone loves growth, even if business is a little afraid of it, sometimes.

Will New Adult sell? Yes. There will be lines of teens and young adults who want to look towards the future/relate, and just like YA, we'll have a crowd of adults wanting to relive their early 20s.  Don't dismiss those who are looking for an opportunity to sell it. In 15, 20 years, it could be the next biggest market, and it would be totally amazing to watch it happen from the front lines, in my opinion.

Peace, my friends,

-Katie 

"Oh My God, They Killed Kenny!"

Character death. For some writers, the best part of the job. For others, one they dread the most. Personally, killing off characters holds a very special place in my heart. Not to say I get warm fuzzies whenever I hack someone to pieces, but I do get a profound sense of, "This is a very important moment." (If I wasn't a writer, I might have some explaining to do for that sentence. lol!)

I'm a combination of a pantser and a outliner. I outline to a degree, let my imagination fill in the rest, and deviate from my plan if my characters feel so inclined. However, the one thing that I have never gone off-track with in my writing is when I kill off characters. When I sit down to write chapter one, I know exactly who will die, when, and why.

My philosophy on character death is very simple. I love it when a great character gets a wonderful death scene, because it can really give that character one final hurrah before they leave the story. However, if a character death feels contrived or put in simply for dramatic effect, I get really angry.

Whenever you decide to kill off a character, at whatever stage you are in your story, you have to ask yourself a few important questions.

1) Why am I killing this character off? You need to know this answer. This should be the FIRST question you ask yourself when character death pops into your head. WHY are you doing this? Will their death progress the plot? Give your MC more motivation? Give them heartache? You can have a dozen reasons for this, so long as you have one. Using character death to eliminate someone whose become unnecessary to the story is NEVER okay. Find some way to work them out of your story, or back in, or get rid of that character all together.

2) What effect will this have on the story? This is a little different than why. Think of a ripple effect. Everything a character does in a story has consequences, and so should this. If this character is important to the MCs, or villians, or just a primary player, their death will change the dynamic of the story. This is also how the reader will get hit with that solid emotional punch. It's not just that the character's gone, but in their absence, everything has changed, either for the better or worse.

For example, in Shell, one of my main characters is killed off, and the dynamic of the group of friends vastly changes. They went from being very close friends to each drifting away and falling apart on their own. It was more than just killing someone off. It was how that affected those left behind.

3) What do I want the readers to feel? This is my favorite question, and the one I have the most fun with. When this character dies in the story, how do you want your reader to feel about it? If this is a traitor's death, you may want your reader to be happy that this evil person is gone. How do you do that? Set up the character as sympathetic, and then take away all the sympathy during the betrayal. When we get to the death scene, watch your dialogue, watch every detail. Think of how your character is feeling as they die. What are their regrets? Their wishes? Their last thoughts? Now combine that with what you want your readers to feel. If you want them to feel remorse for your traitor, highlight sympathetic traits as he's dying, or shortly beforehand. Maybe show regret, so that even when they're gone, your reader feels some pity for them. Or, you can elimate all symathy during the death scene, and have him go down snarling and screaming, which will leave a very different last impression for your reader.

This is a question you must ask yourself as you write all the way through. Every time this character comes into play, consider that they are going to die. Their screen time is limited, so you have to make the best of it. Amp up the sympathy, but don't make them into a whiny baby. Craft them into a hero, so their death has that extra punch.

If you need to think of a good example of this, Rue from the Hunger Games is a perfect example. Her character is extremely sympathic, and coupled with her gruesome death, it leaves a heartbreaking last impression on your reader that resonates with them.

Always remenber: Someday, somebody reading your book will fall in love with this character, and when they die, you need to make sure their death is justified, so that reader will put down the book and admit the story is so much better for it.

Let me Tell you a Story.

Gather round, kiddies. I know I've been flitting in and out of the internet world for the past like, what? Four? Six months? I think you all deserve a reason why.

Let me paint you a little picture. This last December I was not in a good place. I have crippling anxiety, but I had yet to realize it at the time. I'd just dropped out of university, was feeling horribly depressed and agoraphobic, and I had no job. Life was miserable. Finally, I managed to snag a job with a temp agency. After a few jobs serving plated dinners at big Christmas parties, I decided I needed something more stable. So I talked to my temp agency and they hooked me up with a seven month job at a child and family services agency.

I had no idea what I was getting into.

The first day I missed, because I was too terrified of the prospect of a new job with people I didn't know. The next day, I made it. I stepped into the tiny waiting room at quarter after eight, but there was no one to be found. I sat on the couch, incredibly nervous, when a lady stepped out of a door down the hallway. I watched her walk towards me, wearing her long skirt, glasses, her hair a pile of dark curls. She said to me, "Are you the new receptionist?"

"Yes," I said.

"Good, come on in. My name's Rinah."

"I'm Katie."

Within the next ten minutes, I would come to meet my other coworkers. In the weeks that followed, I would grow to get to know and love each of them. Mary, the lovable admin assistant who helped with the aboriginal department and was always willing to listen. Deb, the snarky second-in command with a die-hard love of penguins. And Stephen, the nerdy little gamer boss.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit I had no idea what kind of place I was actually working at, but I found out fast. That first day, I read reports of what some of the kids were doing-- apparently, the previous day, when I'd been too anxious to come to work, one of the kids nearly jumped off a cottage roof. This was a residential treatment facility for children and teenagers who'd suffered through abuse, sexual exploitation, poverty, drugs, neglect, and a million other problems that would turn your stomach just thinking about it.

After that first week, I was in love. Everyone in this agency treated me with such love and care, compared to the horrible abuse I suffered at my last job (Before the temp agency) More than that, I was fascinated by these kids. I wanted to know more about them. I wanted to find out how they were being treated. I wanted to help them. I felt an extreme kinship to a lot of the kids. Each report I got was a new piece of a story unfolding before me. Every day I glimpsed into the lives of these troubled kids, most of which I've never met.

Now, as my contract came to a close, I knew I couldn't leave this agency. I'd grown to love everyone and everything about it, so I asked for a job as a relief staff in one of the Independent Living Programs, which is sort of like a group home. On my first day, I bonded with one of the boys there, who was incredibly smart, though he had some tics in which he blinked a lot and snapped his fingers. I was amazed by how easily he opened up to me. I've always been terrified of people, and yet this boy, who'd suffered through many traumas in his life, accepted me without a second thought.

In the weeks that followed, I eventually made it to shift leader, and spent two shifts by myself in the home. I was really honored to be trusted that much, as I have no certification, and little to no training. But it was incredible. Just like before, the kids accepted me. Maybe not always fully, but they watched movies with me, played games with me, and I managed to navigate the not-so-good times without losing my cool.

On one of my shifts in which I was working alone, a girl in the home was having a rough time, as she'd just broken up with her boyfriend. I went down and talked to her for a long time. All I had to do was show her I was willing to listen, and out poured all her secrets. She's been in the system for a number of years now, as she'd been taken away from her parents by the courts.

She showed me pictures of her family. "My brother and I are pack rats," she told me. "We store food everywhere. Sometimes, we'd find pizza behind the couch that my brother had left there and forgot about."

"Haha. Ew, that's nasty."

"Yeah, but we'd never know when we'd eat next, sometimes."

She told me about her experience with the cops, how she'd lost it and pulled a knife on them when they'd tried to apprehend her. "I was walking to my grandmother's house. I had a plan. I thought, if I could just get there, then everything would be okay. We'd live happily ever after."

She showed me all her art, but one piece in particular caught my eye. It was a photography poster with a bunch of different shots. They were all accompanied by short paragraphs of prose, explaining it. One picture was a phrase that had been carved into the door of one of the confinement rooms back on campus.

It read, "Show some compassion for the suffering soul."

It struck me hard, especially when the girl told me who had carved the message. It was a client I knew. A client still on campus. A client I had read so much about. Guys, the client who scratched those words, has literally been through HELL.

In that moment, I felt so connected to that client. She doesn't know it, but I love her, and so do a lot of other people. The world can be a cruel place. Sometimes people will hate you for no reason, but it works just the opposite, too. People can love you, without ever having met you.

So that's my story. These people changed my life. And you want to hear the best part? Once my contract expired, they offered me a permanent job at the front desk, where I've been working this whole time.

So kiddies, that's where I've been. I promise to be around more often now, and I may post more about my real life stuff now, as well as mental health. :) Learning about mental health is the best way to write better characters, anyway. Am I right? ;)

Peace,

-Katie